Tuesday, 30 September 2014

Unsaid Apologies

Dear ***

I diluted much too many apologies  in the ocean of my fragile words.  I'm sorry they were beyond your reach-and mine.

I promise you- they were engraved deep in the rocks of my  heart that I little realized was  weathering.  I'm sorry there were no remnants in the sediments that reached your shore.

All I ever wanted was for you to know how much I loved you. I am sorry my meek words were overpowered by the tone of my voice.   And I apologize for the further pain inflicted by the shattered pieces of my heart on your delicate fingers as you tried to sew back my broken soul.

I'm sorry,  I should have known better than to carve  illumed words of joy while you sat in the   darkness  waiting for even the feeble rays of my sunbaked world to rekindle the stars on your skin.  

I'm sorry about the devils I failed to tame- the  claustrophobic darkness in my  shrinking heart tried too hard to escape.  I apologize for the scars their explosion inflicted on your already wilting soul.

Believe me if you can,  I awoke every morning wanting to wash away the remains of a hurtful past from my memories- and yours.  I'm sorry the force of my waves disintegrated the hazy remains of your fading silhouette. 

I promise you,  I have cried myself to sleep on too many starless nights. The dying moon knows. If anything, I have only wanted to be better. For you.

Tomorrow will be the next devil I attempt ceaselessly to tame.  And conquer. But if I fail,  I hope you know everyday has been a struggle- a battle I lost to the goodness of a wounded queen who didn't have to try as hard- you.  

You are allowed to decipher the strength of  my double edged swords differently.  For all I know,  they assumed different shapes from what  I had intended to sculpt.  Like a  beautiful painting turning disastrous by the wrong mix of colours.

But know,  please know,   I will die trying to be the person I think you deserved to have in me. 

And when the scales are set to judge my final abode, maybe the scars in your memories will weigh well over my intentions.  But,  I died trying.

         Shershada (the way YOU pronounce it)

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