Of guilt trips and inadequacies.

M,

You are stronger than I will ever be, and lest my tears cause any self doubt in your mind, my existence would be annihilated in spirit.

I cannot fathom the pain you are going through and there are raging wars of guilt and inadequacies in my head. Could I have been there for you longer?  Could I have retarded the pace of the monsters that are you eating you up, little by little? Could I have loved you more? Could I have expressed more?

Time has passed too quick since we last met. But it feels like yesterday, you screaming at me for hiding out at the river banks, lest you lose me for good. What do I scream at for taking you away from me? Forever.

Two months have passed by, and I still die a little inside each day blaming myself for all the things I failed to do. This is not empathy. You don't need my empathy. You have been far too strong to have ever needed anything in life, more so from me, who didn't care enough to be a profound presence!  You bore in silence for far too long, hiding your consuming pain under the mask of a cheerful face, and I failed to see that you were suffering. 

 How did I not see it? Is pain that easy to hide? How did I not know?  How consumed was I in my own world full of materialism chasing things that I will have to leave behind in this world anyway?

Would you forgive me for not seeing through your smile? Should I ever forgive myself?

Is this how life works? That people suffer incessantly, in secret, day after day while others fail to comprehend the extent of their pain and hardships? Does one have to cry out loud about their misfortunes for others to see it? Are we now incapable of reading silence?

I will never have answers to most of this, but when we do meet one day, at a river bank, and when you run to me reprimanding me for being there, my heart will smile knowing your love is far stronger than my failures and inadequacies.